How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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