Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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