It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
