I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
