At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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