did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
