I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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