Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
