Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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