Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
