I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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