Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
