This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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