Soap is not a condiment
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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