You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
