So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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