also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
