Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
