im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Shame is for Republicans.
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