So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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