I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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