Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
