don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
