Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
