What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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