Cold hands, warm shart.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
