Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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