well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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