I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
