Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
