Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
