I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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