my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
