you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
