I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
