I faked an abortion last night.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Randomize
