You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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