I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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