sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
