I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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