How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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