I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
