i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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