If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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