I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Randomize
