The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
