I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
