I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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