Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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