I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
