I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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