I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
