just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
