Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
