I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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