I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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