Just fell off a train. Bad.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
