New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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