remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
