Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize