Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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