you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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