Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
