stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just had sex on a roof
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
