You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
