i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
