the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Don't make out with my wife yet
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
