I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
